I'm alive, hard to believe I know. Some mornings I wake up and wonder if I'm actually living or just watching life happen around me.
Lets just say it's been a tumultuous month with more downs than ups since being back here. Unpacking and decorating have pretty much come to a halt as we decide what our next steps are.
I knew moving back here was going to be hard, but I didn't expect the issues and stress that I've seen this last month. If you had asked me 2 years ago where I wanted to be I would have quickly said that I wanted to be back here. That was me holding onto something...a memory if you will. A memory that had long passed, a fact that I knew, but I still held onto. It was all I had known for 24 years of my life. It was my stability, no matter how unstable my life actually was here. Deep down I knew that coming back here was not an option, but I held on. More and more reality set in. I knew there would be problems, but I never excepted them to show themselves in this way.
I haven't felt well since I got here, some of it due to the huge altitude change, but also the added stress and fear of being back. My last 2 years here were not happy ones. Indeed some might say they were tragic. It's something I dealt with and will continue to deal with, but being back here makes it that much harder.
I don't want to spend the next 3 years in fear. I can't and I won't, it's not fair to me or Nate. So we are in a holding pattern until things get smoothed out around here. That means happy decorating post and how to organize ideas will have to wait. I will try to post, but I can't make any promises. Right now we are in the process of moving forward. Hopefully it won't take too long as Nate and I are needing a happier month. And maybe...just maybe we'll be back with better, happier news!
Over the Knee
9 months ago