Life: June 16 (the day my world stood still)

6/16/2011 06:00:00 AM Ashley 3 Comments

It's been 5 years.

Where has the time gone?

It feels like yesterday I said "I love you" and "good-bye" one final time. The memory of the last time you spoke to me is still fresh in my head. I just kept saying "I love you", because deep down I knew that after that night I was never going to get to hear your voice again.

Now after 5 years I have forgotten the sound of your voice and even how you smell. That freaks me out beyond words and just thinking about it quickly brings me to tears.

But no matter how much I miss you, how much I cry, how much it hurts and how empty my heart feels...

...I am okay.

In fact I am living my life as best as I can.

A lot has happened in 5 years. Some of it would make you sad, like that I don't talk to my sister or father. But there are reasons for it, like my sanity and peace of mind. Even though that isn't what you wanted for us, it's what I needed. I always hope that you would understand, though if you were still here they would probably still be in my life.

Then there is all of the other crazy, exciting, scary stuff. I bought a house and tried to make it my own in a very short amount of time, but I wanted nothing more than to have you there to help decorate. I met a guy, Nate, who I would end up marrying, you and he would have gotten along amazingly well. I bought a dog, to keep me company and make me laugh. I also finally went to St. Thomas. I know you said you'd never go back because of too many bad memories, but I enjoyed getting to see a place you once called home. Then I moved, which was the last thing I expected, but I was in love and love sends you to places you may never have wanted to go. Then Nate proposed, at the Broadmoor Hotel, because he knew how many memories I had at that hotel (you would have been so proud). I continued living in a state I hated, which made me miss you more, but I made it through. I traveled to San Francisco a few times and it's where I ended up finding my wedding dress. That was a hard moment, being around other brides who had their mothers there. Then, after months and months of planning, Nate and I got married. I think you would have loved the venue. We even set out a memorial bouquet of your favorite flowers, Shasta Daisies.


I forgot to mention, Nate is in the Air Force and is a Physicist. I would have never expected that in a million years, but love has a funny sense of humor (I'm betting you knew I'd marry someone who was really good at math). Of course it's taken some time getting use to being a military wife, though I doubt I will ever really get use to it, it's kind of like middle and high school all over again. I've learned that I'm not a fan of moving. Who knew?

I made friends and lost friends. I gained 50lbs. I lost who I was. Just when I was about to have a huge pity party, we found out we were moving. Again. Now I know why you hated packing. Plus I worry about everything, just like I always have. Luckily we moved to a great new state. I've made new friends. I'm working out (I know, I know...crazy). And I'm doing all I can to rediscover myself.

Along the way, I started this blog. I named it "The Thing About Daisies..." as a homage to you, because the thing about daisies is that they remind me of you. So every day when I write on this blog, I think about you.

I just wanted you to know, wherever you are, that I am okay and I am as happy as I feel that I can be. I live every day to the best of my ability, because as I learned life is too short. You made me strong, opinionated, witty, caring and vibrant and for that I thank you. As much as I need you here, I know that I can face life head on because of what you taught me, but most of all because of how much you loved me.

I love you will all of my heart mom. You are missed every day, but loved even more than that.

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  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother. She passed away almost a year ago. She was my absolute best friend I still miss her every day. I pray for you and your loss and wish no one had to go thru that. God bless!

  2. My heart still breaks for the loss of your Mom. She was a truly amazing woman and although I didn't know her nearly long enough it was definately long enough to feel her warmth, her kindness, her generosity and love. You have so much of her in you and this post is really moving Ashley, you've brought me to tears thinking of that day five years ago and so many of the trying and difficult and wonderful and absurd times in the five years that have followed. My heart and thoughts are with you today. I have always admired your strength.

  3. great blog.  thanks for sharing! enjoy your trip!