Last week I left you with a vague blog, a rambling if you will. A blog that still holds true to my feelings and thoughts, but also a blog that probably left many of you scratching your heads. I'm an odd breed of person who shares things about myself while also not fully sharing at the same time. As hard as it may be for some to believe, I don't go into great detail about my life. I share enough.
So this last blog probably confused both friends and casual readers alike. And I guess this is where I take the time to share...but not share too much mind you.
At the very end of March we moved away from a place that we really liked. A place that actually felt like home. Something which I haven't been able to say for quite a few years. In fact the last time I felt like I was home was when my mom was alive. So we left this home to move back to the state that was once my home. To say I was apprehensive is the understatement of the year.
We were moving back to a place that I had clung onto for years, thinking it was the only place I would every be happy. It wasn't so much the place but the feeling I had while growing up here. The logical side of me that said I should let go and move on was drowned out by my heart and the need to hold onto something even though it was gone.
The two years before I moved away from my home town was hard and fraught with money, family and illness issues. The year before the move that I didn't know I'd be taking (with my now husband) was the worst year of my life. I lost my mom to cancer and I finally realized that toxic people aren't just acquaintances or friends, but also family. And toxic people aren't good people to be around.
It was a hard year. A year that I would wish upon no one. But somehow that year had a shining light in the form of Nate. Somehow through it all I got him. And then he asked me to move with him. Not only would I get to be with the person I loved, but I also got what I thought was a fresh start.
It didn't matter. For some reason I was still drawn to my original home. We talked about moving back there to live out the rest of our days. While I totally ignored the fact that going back was never an option. That my time there had come to an end. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to realize that there was too much hurt and fear for me to be able to go back. But I held on.
Then we moved to Ohio, where we found friends and places we enjoyed. It was a totally different feeling. Something I hadn't really felt in awhile. That homey feeling set in and we were happy. At this point we knew we were going back to my home state. But instead of happiness, the fear finally set in. The fear of the fact that I understood that going back wasn't going to be easy. In fact it was going to be hard. The biggest fear though was the fact that I would be back in the state with the toxic people that I had walked away from. They know where I live. I don't want them to know that. I don't want to live in the crippling fear of them just randomly showing up. Because it will happen. And I just can't be put back in that place.
It's an awful place to be, happy that Nate got his dream job. The goal that he had even while at the Academy. While utterly terrified of ghosts past. It's left me crippled with a feeling that I don't like but just can't shake.
It hasn't helped that April has been filled with car troubles, from Otto's engine dying to our other car being broken into the first week here. Really there's a whole list of things that were sprung on us this past month from bank to housing issues. Couple that with the constant looking over my shoulder and there's our month in a nut shell.
We realized that something needs to change and we are currently working on that and if that change happens we'll hopefully be able to share it with you all. We both need peace of mind. And hopefully that will come soon. It would also be nice to have a good month. May...I'm looking at you.
So there, there is my story. It's not phenomenal or exceptional, but it's mine. It's what I am feeling. Now it's time for me to take those feelings and do something with them. Make things better. I've had my month of wallowing. Now it's time for doing. So have no fear, I'm on the rebound. As messed up as some probably think this is, this is how I work. Hopefully things will get back to normal around here...you know as normal as things normally are.
Oh and thank you for the well wishes and kind thoughts, it's always warming to the heart.
1 day ago