Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, other days it feels like centuries

6/18/2010 11:17:00 AM Ashley 5 Comments

This is a downer post, so if you don't want to read something sad then this isn't the post for you. I totally understand. If you do read this, thank you. I just really needed to get this off of my shoulders.

I needed a day...a day to just dwell. I try not to dwell, but it still happens. Yesterday and the day before were those days. Late Tuesday night into Wednesday morning I just cried. For a portion of time I cried about my mom...not realizing why it was different from any other cry I might have had. Then it hit me, Wednesday was 4 years to the day that I lost my mom (June 16th). Apparently mentally I knew this...which made me cry even more.

Somehow I had forgotten. I don't want to forget. One of my greatest fears is forgetting. I already can't remember quite what she sounded like and that's enough to send me into a crying tizzy.

Life has been hectic since we found out about the PCS. That, and some people have made it less than easy to deal with my own personal things. So there I was, crying because I forgot, crying because I am stressed, crying because some people just don't get that they cause needless drama, crying because I miss my mom more then I could ever imagine.

I could really use a pep talk from my mom...and a hug...and her listening to me rant, because I rant. It's how I deal with/get over things. Mostly I just want to hear her say it's going to be okay. I don't get that luxury, so I keep telling myself that it will be okay. That I can do this. But damn what I wouldn't give for it to be her saying it.

I've also been realizing that I'm sad for Nate, because he never got to meet my mom. He would have really liked her and she would have loved him. She was such a worm, loving, welcoming person. She never judged peoples beliefs or what they did with their lives (as long as they weren't hurting others). You never felt like you had to hide anything from her and that is so rare. That is what I wish Nate would have been able to see and experience.

Though I am lucky, because even though I lost my mom and my best friend in one day...I found Nate. While he'll never fill the mom void (no one will), he does fill the best friend one. Plus I have some awesome friends, who are more like family to me. I also have a very cute dog who is currently defuzzing his tennis ball.

So while I do have days that I just don't want to get out of bed...I do, because I know I have so much love and support from Nate, my friends and people I don't even know.

Thank you...if you made it through this. It means so so much that I have people that like reading what goes on in my head. You're all wonderful and make my day a little brighter...and without even knowing it you all helped me get through the past few days!

Much love to each and every one of you!


  1. It WILL get better, and feel free to rant any time, it's YOUR blog!

    {Long Distance Hug}

    ~Kelli @ Smidgens

  2. Yes it will get better! When my ex-boyfriend died, i felt loads of guilt for many reasons but I always worried that I would forget him and that made me feel guiltier! But my subconcious always seems to know when his anniversary of his passing comes around, even if I don't remember right away. You won't ever forget your mom, maybe you won't be able to hear her voice like you remembered or see her face as clearly as before but you won't ever forget her as a person and as your mom.

    Hope you feel better <3

  3. Love you and soon you'll get real hugs from me.

  4. I'm so sorry you're having a rough week. It's so sad and scary when it seems like those special memories start to slip away.

    Be strong. Even though nothing will ever replace that very void, you're so very balanced in realizing there are others who are still here and love you so very much.

    I'm here for you, even if it's only long distance. Lots of prayers and hugs for you!