Weighing in on my weight

4/05/2010 12:22:00 PM Ashley 19 Comments

Here is my attempt at something a little more serious for me.

Kristen over at An Awful Sweetness just wrote about the weight issues many have and I must say it is amazingly well written. I feel that she says everything that I think but can never seem to get across, but lets give it a shot.

I'm overweight.

I know this. Trust me.

How over weight? Man I wish I could keep it to myself, but I was a 2/4 and have ballooned up to my current 12/14 (leaning more towards 14). Pretty much I added some ones to the front of my old size. Honestly it felt like an overnight occurrence. One morning I woke up and I was 45lbs more than what I was before (135 to 180).

What does that even look like?

Here's photos of my healthy weight and my not so healthy weight...


You can really see it in my face. I've always been a carrier of weight in my face.

Is there a possibility that I am being hard on myself. Of course, but aren't we all hard on ourselves?

Then there's the fact that people have gossiped about it like somehow I haven't noticed. It's my weight...seriously. It becomes more and more of a reality when you are trying to put pants on and a button shoots across the room. Is that a comedy, tragedy or both?

How did I get here?

I could blame it on a lot of things, but flat out...I got lazy and too comfortable eating crap, but lets look at the reasons I could use.

Yes it started happening after my mom died. I stress ate like no other. I was no longer getting her homemade meals every night for dinner.

I moved out on my own and while I know how to cook and cook well, I had no desire to make a meal for one.

I went through extra drama with the rest of my family.

I moved to a new state where I knew no one other than Nate.

I made some amazingly crappy choices with people I choose to surround myself with. I had an ever present desire to fit in somewhere...anywhere and that bit me in the butt (that's another story on its own). Everything changed and while I was acting like I could handle it. I couldn't. I hid everything I was feeling with food and constantly eating. I would "forget" to make dinner. Which meant another night of pizza or Arby's or Sonic.

I tried to work out before the wedding, but never really cared that much even though I was dropping money into a membership.

I gained more weight.

We bought an elliptical...which is an awesome clothing hanger by the way.

I watch Nate lose weight fairly easily, where as I will start being more mindful of what I am doing and nothing. I'm frustrated. I refuse to take pictures of myself because I truly hate my body. I know what I looked like before and there was no belly rolls and over sized thighs.

In the end I let myself get here. No one forced me to eat. No one forced me to be lazy.

What was the first turning point for me?

Getting my wedding rings cut off my finger. We were about to travel and I realized I couldn't get my rings off. Ice cold water, spit, soap and a lot of lotion later...there they stayed, just looking a little more grimy. We called up the fire department and drove down to meet 5 very bored firemen and EMTs.

A few sawing twists of that thing and I was a "free" person. I honestly was horrified that I had put on so much weight that I my fingers grew to the point of my rings becoming a forever fixture on my body.

It deterred me for a good month. Then right back into my eating pattern I slipped.

What's different this time? I'm sick and tired of it all. I want to feel better about myself. I want to remember what it felt like to slip into something cute and to feel amazing about it. I want to be able to wear my heels without them hurting right away. I want to have a fresh start with this new start we should be getting soon. Damnit I want to do an OOTD and look/feel stellar. Is some of this vain? Totally. But it's what I want.

I'm going to clear off the crap on our elliptical and actually use it. Slowly at first (I don't want to break my broke butt more). I am going to cook at home more and eat smaller portions. Fruit and I are going to have to see eye to eye again. I want to start swimming, but I am going to have to deal with the feeling fat and fat roll issues before I go there.

I'm going to make a change, I have to. I need some sort of sanity and normalcy in my life.

So here I am before you all saying I am overweight and I don't want to will not play this game anymore!

So what do you do to stay fit? Have any secrets to weight loss? Any kind or mean words to get my butt into gear?


  1. No mean words. Just that I know how hard it is. If you can get past the swim suit issue, I find swimming to be more effective for me than anything else. I swim once a week now, and I can tell you that the pool is filled with people of every size and shape and nobody really looks at anyone else; our eyes are too filled with chlorine to see each other anyway. good luck

  2. I am glad to hear that you are being honest with yourself and are going to make a change! I hope you can accept and love yourself for who you are no matter what your weight is though. My DH has had weight issues his whole life, and a few months ago he finally said "I've had it." I bought a treadmill and he had been slowly, but steadily, losing weight ever since. He had always "dieted" before, but never made a lifestyle change. Now we make efforts to cook healthy meals and take walks when the weather is nice, but we still go out to eat and have lazy days. I think it complicates things when one person in the relationship doesn't need to lose weight and eats not so great... that would be me, and maybe this is the role of your DH. I hope you keep us updated every so often too. Having the world watching you may be terrific motivation!

    And swimming will really whip you into shape fast. I was a competitive swimming for years.


  3. No mean words here. I'm proud of you for facing it, owning it, posting it and deciding to change it.

    When I got married I was at the top end of my healthy weight range - right around 138-140 lbs. and wearing a size 6 to 8. I'm 5'4" so it looks bigger on me than on a taller woman! It was a very unhappy marriage, with issues starting on our honeymoon, and I ate my feelings....

    ...For a year and a half.

    My heaviest was about 170, size 12. After I separated from my ex I lost about 12 lbs. fast - like in 2 weeks - I had been so incredibly stressed out and didn't even feel it anymore or realize what it (and I) was doing to my body.

    Two years post-separation I'm *still* working my way back down the scale and have settled in around 145 lbs. and am even able to zip into a size 6 jeans again if I go to the right store. ;) It's HARD. I don't WANT to work out and eat right and whittle down the next 20 lbs. to get to what's even still not a "skinny" weight but a more healthy and proportionate one for my frame. But it's all worthwhile and I always feel better when I take my health and fitness seriously.

    So I guess this ramble is to say GO YOU!!! I'm proud of you and rooting for you. You CAN and WILL do it!!!

  4. I feel ya, sister. I gained after my mom died too -- it's hard. You can do this! Just remember to be kind to yourself. :)

  5. Following you over from SITS! I am loving and following your blog :) You look FANTASTIC! Any tips? I am fighting weight gain now. I think I gain just LOOKING at food!!!

  6. Love this post!! Thank you for your honesty :) I have been writing a similar post for 3 weeks now. I think weight is something most women struggle with. I am definitely with you on this!! :)

  7. Funky Momma Bird: Thank you! I'm being a big baby about the whole swimsuit thing. I actually went out and bought myself a cute...but modest one piece swimsuit. I know that once I am in the water that it doesn't matter!

    Deconstruction: I do love myself and am fine with how I currently look, but I know I could look better and feel better which is the biggest thing for me. My husband has weight issues as well...or at least the USAF says he does. I'm a total hypocrite because I push him to eat right and work out. I try to play it off as him needing to do it for his job. It's bad and I should know better. I am excited about swimming because it's the one thing I can do that won't rip my knees apart!

    Jacki: I totally get how you feel, minus the bad relationship (I'm sorry you went through that). I don't want to eat right or work out either. I'm still looking for the magical skinny button.

    One Particular Kitchen: Thank you for the kind words! I will be good to myself. I'm not going to push myself to some crazy edge and I refuse to starve myself because I love food too much to do that.

    Denise: Thanks for stopping by and so glad to have you as a follower! Thank you for saying I look great, that's very kind. I find that you can look your best at any weight if you know how to dress your body. I try to wear light layers, blazers and belts at the waist. Good pants are key too.

    Andi: I look forward to seeing what you have to say on the subject. It's comforting to know that other women understand how it feels. It's a great support system.

  8. So hard...:( I want you to think about going Gluten Free...completely...I swear it helps...I have Celiac Disease...so I have to eat that way to live...but normal people w/out CD can really lose the weight and NOT crave the cravings...Gluten is such a powerful food that makes you want more of it...And not something that you need to survive....If you want more info, let me know! :) Meme

  9. I just found your blog through SITS and I think it takes a lot of courage to write about something like this. Personally, I think you look beautiful either way, but I do know how it feels to want to make that change. I'm starting to get to that point myself. As I've gotten older it gets harder and harder to maintain the weight that I want.

    One thing I would suggest is maybe try out different types of exercise outside of the standard running/elliptical/weights. I take Zumba classes sometimes and they are so much fun and you don't even feel like you are getting a workout. I also take hot yoga classes several times a week and that helps keep me toned. And I've heard great things about the 30 Day Shred and P90X.

    Also...keep posting about it! It sounds like you have many bloggy friends here that will help keep you motivated!

  10. I read this post yesterday and I was blown away by your honesty. I've been facing weight issues most of my life and I've never allowed myself to consider writing a post like this.

    I'm excited that you've decided to make a lifestyle change, and I hope you continue to post about it. Good luck!

  11. This entry is so real and inspiring, and I commend you for having the courage to write it.

    Some things I recently started to do to make sure I eat right (no excuses) are:

    1. after buying groceries, cut up all fruits (like strawberries) and put them all into little gladware containers or bags so i can grab fruit everyday as a snack for work (I take grapes, blueberries, strawberries, peaches, apples etc) all sliced (if necessary) and ready to eat.

    2. I cut up all of my ingredients to make egg white omlettes in the morning so i eat a fresh breakfast (I use one real egg, egg whites, tomato cut into little cubes, ham cut into little cubes, red onion and baby spinach leaves)

    3. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't work out everyday. Try 2-3 days a week and build up to more.

    good luck :)

  12. Screaming Meme: I will definitely look into the gluten free diet. If I have any questions at all you will be the first person I go to!

    Salt: Thank you for stopping by! I'm really going to work on low impact exercise first. I have amazingly bad knees so I have to build them up before I jump into anything crazy. I have heard of Zumba, my husband took a few classes and really loved it, so it will definitely be something I check out.

    Angela: I do plan on posting about it, the support is really something that helps me know I'm on the right path. By no means was this an easy thing to blog about, heck I even had days where I tried to ignore my own thoughts on it.

    Veronika: Thank you so much for the tips. The pre cutting up of food is an awesome idea! It's totally something I am going to put into use in our house.

  13. What an amazing post. I recently hit my breaking point and have started trying to get in shape. Honestly, I've found that blogging about where things are at, about my workouts, etc is helping me. Whether anyone reads or not, I tell myself that "my readers" are relying on me to plug through. It may sound silly, but it's helping me.

    I've decided I'm going to be brutally honest about where I'm at. I'm not going to make it seem like I have a little to lose when I know I need to lose about 80 pounds, minimum.

  14. Found you through SITS, and I love your blog!

    Losing weight is seriously tough, I've always been a really thin person (too thin back in high school) but i could always eat whatever I wanted and not gan a pound.. until I hit my twenties that is. I hit my heaviest almost a year ago at just over 150, and had to do something about it too. I joined weight watchers, and it honestly worked for me. I could still treat myself if I needed to, but it kept me on track for the most part. I lost over 10 pounds in about 3 months, and am still struggling with the last 5 that I want to lose.. but I've since quit the program since it does get expensive and I try to just follow it at home on my own.

    Whatever you decide to try I hope it works out for you!! You're so brave to post this one! :) Good Luck!

  15. Heather: Thank you! I'm quickly realizing that blogging about this is going to help push me and maybe help others as well. I'm so glad that you are working on getting to a place where you are happy with how you feel. Good Luck!

    Lindsay: Welcome! I understand about being thin...totally was there and about age 24 my body did a big screw you and gave up. Now I am battling which I never had to do before. Good luck on those last 5 pounds!

  16. I found your blog via Funky Mama Bird. I love your honesty! I am the same way with my weight. I gained 60 pounds with my first pregnancy and the 20 actual-baby-weight pounds just... stuck. Through the next 3 kids, too. I'd gain 20 pounds each pregnancy and then take it back off without doing anything, but I have stayed within ten pounds of 175 since 2003. My biggest problems are much the same as yours: laziness, fast food, complacency. And I don't mean laziness like a sedentary lifestyle, I mean laziness like, I'm really, really, busy every single day and at the end (or beginning) of the day the last thing on earth I want to do is jog or something. I want to exercise, I want to feel better, and I know that once I adjusted I would love incorporating it into my routine, but, my God, is that first step hard... I'll follow to see how it goes for you and maybe if I e-stalk you enough it will be like having a comrade to keep me going. Good luck!

  17. Wait - I somehow (Freudian slip?) wrote that wrong. The 20 pounds of baby weight slid right off, the OTHER 40 are the pounds that "just stuck." Whoops! : )

  18. Charlotte: Welcome! Hope you enjoy it here! I totally feel you about the...not being lazy as in laying around...but as in not wanting to do a damn thing after a long day of doing other things. I always go straight to the "well I ran around all day why in the world do I need to work out too!?". It doesn't help that it's getting balls hot here and that makes me want to work out even less! Stalk away...I know I need people to harass me and make sure I'm not sitting (ignore the fact that I am sitting right now)!

  19. Hi there! I totally feel you on this. I was 150 about a year and a half ago. Enter divorce and now I'm 186. Any way we can help each other lose weight im all for it!